An Empty ShellFri, Jul 29th 2005
I feel like in the past months I've read so much about mental illnesses trying to figure out what is going on with me. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster going 100mph, I'm not happy anymore (I have moments) I can't think straight, remember things, even follow a full conversation without feeling over whelmed daily, somtimes I just don't feel I have enought strenth to hold myself back. I just want to let it all loose be wild and crazy and just be free but I follow everyday with a continuous schedule wondering to myself how long can I keep myself in track? My thoughts jump from bad to good, positive to negative, all the time, I don't want to go to sleep because I don't really want to do it all again tomorow I'm so tired all ready...I'm scard when I'm upset because I turn the negative on myself, I (sometimes) drink cause I feel like there is nothing for me I have tried to stop a hurtful cutting thing that ended up scary and haven't since 2 months but now I'll skip meals, and eat only what I have to I do feel weak, and tired and scard I know I'm not following thing 100% but its easyer to give up at this and I'm getting discouraged I'm afraid to talk to my social worker about my thoughts and how I feel about myself but how do I change it if I can't talk about it??? How long can I keep at this before I do break??? What the heck is going on with me??? How do you get better if you can't freeze all the stressers and just focus on being better when life around me still expects things from me. I feel like an empty shell wondering through the motions of life each day. All of it is stressful, and I'm tired I just want a break for myself. What can I do??? I just went off the medication effexor and I'm 26 with a 3 year old son. Mental illness runs in my family can this be somthing like bi-poler or borderline PD.and if so what can help me. Is this going to just keep getting worse, I have some paranode thing like the dark, like if someone is standing there I have heard a something when falling asleep?? and have bad nightmares??? any Ideas??? Please...
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